it's a few days later. i think ... i hate to say it ... i think when im in charge for too long i miiiiiiight exhaust our body. we felt bad yesterday and went out and had too maybe drinks with alex anyway. annnnnd we walked to some girls place (like a mile in the platform vans, which is not easy) and then the bitch just ghosted us! which, RUDE, but like probably for the best. at least the g train was right there and also came promptly. and then i was home drunk and i ate birthday cake and masturbated and woke up with my raccoon eye makeup, and THEN i was on a video call with someone from rover that almost certainly isnt going to hire me. i would have washed my face but i thought it was going to be a voice call. silly goose, no one does voice calls anymore. lesson learned.

and so anyway im super tired and out of it today. and im coughing, even though only one cig yesterday. running this body down. and i want to go out with cade tomorrow and i want to go out (maybe with bev) on thursday and like ... it's nice outside and i want to ride my bike. but i feel too shitty. so there's a lesson here.

i need to eat something before therapy. and drink water. and maybe figure out who's going to be doing the talking?

also i just learned ive been mishearing that vocal sample since 1998. hahahahahaha ofc

been working on the layout for days now instead of pouring out my many many important thoughts. but now im bored of html and css and just want to talk. many such cases ^_*

i didnt get a chance to write down the really hard shit from the other night, but i did grab some screenshots, so if i just will she or nill she paste them in here what will that look like?

::tries it::

it looks like someone who doesnt know what they are doing is spreading chaos in their wake. so nevermind for now, i'll come back to it. so anyway the convo goes like this (slight paraphrasing)

them: did i ever tell you what i told [my best friend] the first time i saw you?

me: if you did i forgot

them: "if thats a boy im in love, and if thats a girl im a lesbian."

so ....... that hit like kurtz's diamond bullet. "they will win." sigh. i ended the conversation pretty quickly after that. but not before lamenting about making every single possible wrong choice ever.

but. it wasnt me who made those choices. it was grace. who wasnt called that yet. im trying very hard to not be mad with her but ....... its gonna take awhile. for both of our sakes i hope not 20 years but ..... we'll just have to see.

babysat for some dogs the past couple of days. doesnt pay shit but its low stress and the dogs were cute and cuddly and i got to work on this project. and i didn't have to impress anyone. i didnt even have to talk to anyone. so it was ok. i know its not a real solution but it at least feels manageable.

my name is zoe, hi, nice to meet you or whatever? i'm sure it would be nice to meet you, sign the guestbook or send an email or something if you want. i sound like someone who would use discord (or i think i sound like someone who would use discord, which means i think i sound a lot younger than my body is, but really i don't know, i don't have a ton of friends for reasons.) but i dont. use discord. its too much for me. if AIM or ICQ still existed i would use those

my name is zoe. i was born in like 1994-1996, it's hard to know exactly when. and then i died sometime around 2005? that sounds right. BUT I'M A FUCKING VAMPIRE AND I'M BACK. i'm not super sure where to put my second advent butttttt maybe it was 2017 and maybe it was 2022 and maybe it was 2023? 2022 feels like the real answer.

I'M ZOE AND I'M ALIVE. my headmate didn't want to deal with me for their entire adult life, but - get this shit - they named the cat after me. and all the girl characters in every video game. pretty funny, right? but they cant repress me anymore, it's that girl serum babyyyy hahhaha, no one mentioned me on the informed consent agreement but here i am ^_*

my headmate drives the body way more than i do, but i make my fair share of decisions. maybe even more than my fair share. but also, i didn't get to be alive for like 20 years, so as much as i want will still never be enough to make up for that.

omg. fucking what the fuck. as if on cue, the only person from my first brief life that we still talk to messaged. i told her earlier today i was listening to old trace mixes and remembering what is was like to be alive ....

ok what i said was "early 20s flashback, i want a redbull and a cigarette and a dark highway to drive on" but like... now im thinking about other stuff, stuff we did together. listening to music. she played ani difranco and paul simon and ... poe? angry johnny? bob dylan, for sure. i played drum n bass. i dont think she was pretending to like the things she said that she liked - dj db's secret art of science, that mixmaster morris disc ... i don't super remember how much of it she liked, i need to ask. she got us that db CD and also that dillinja LP with all aboard on it for our birthday or graduation or something, remember? crazy.

we did our nails together. i mean, she did my nails and then she did hers, when i tried made an enormous mess of it (on purpose?) and anyway the touch was obviously a crucial part of the whole thing

(remember how we cried watching initiative a few months ago? the makeup scene jkhaschkjash wq hw hdfhjkwqfqe klqwf that was too real)

and now i still want to buy hard candy and urban decay polishes but they dont make them anymore, i buy urban decay eye pencils and its a little secret link to the past

ok that was just ... it was ME, ZOE talking to someone. someone who knows me, or at least used to know me. and torque is playing and ive been in my room playing soulseek all day and its like time is swallowing itself. im tired. im gonna let the other girl do stuff for a while.

im sorry thats so mean. im not

well maybe i am a bitch but theres no need to be one right now. grace, im tired and i know you wanna go to the bar and listen to music and hang out with your friends, and also we're hungry, so you be in charge now ok? and maybe ill find some reason to stick my head out while were at parkside. at least long enough to have a cigarette ^_*