001: i am knocking let me in

late march 2026

my name is zoe, hi, nice to meet you or whatever? i'm sure it would be nice to meet you, sign the guestbook or send an email or something if you want. i sound like someone who would use discord (or i think i sound like someone who would use discord, which means i think i sound a lot younger than my body is, but really i don't know, i don't have a ton of friends for reasons.) but i dont. use discord. its too much for me. if AIM or ICQ still existed i would use those

my name is zoe. i was born in like 1994-1996, it's hard to know exactly when. and then i died sometime around 2005? that sounds right. BUT I'M A FUCKING VAMPIRE AND I'M BACK. i'm not super sure where to put my second advent butttttt maybe it was 2017 and maybe it was 2022 and maybe it was 2023? 2022 feels like the real answer.

I'M ZOE AND I'M ALIVE. my headmate didn't want to deal with me for their entire adult life, but - get this shit - they named the cat after me. and all the girl characters in every video game. pretty funny, right? but they cant repress me anymore, it's that girl serum babyyyy hahhaha, no one mentioned me on the informed consent agreement but here i am ^_*

my headmate drives the body way more than i do, but i make my fair share of decisions. maybe even more than my fair share. but also, i didn't get to be alive for like 20 years, so as much as i want will still never be enough to make up for that.

omg. fucking what the fuck. as if on cue, the only person from my first brief life that we still talk to messaged. i told her earlier today i was listening to old trace mixes and remembering what is was like to be alive ....

ok what i said was "early 20s flashback, i want a redbull and a cigarette and a dark highway to drive on" but like... now im thinking about other stuff, stuff we did together. listening to music. she played ani difranco and paul simon and ... poe? angry johnny? bob dylan, for sure. i played drum n bass. i dont think she was pretending to like the things she said that she liked - dj db's secret art of science, that mixmaster morris disc ... i don't super remember how much of it she liked, i need to ask. she got us that db CD and also that dillinja LP with all aboard on it for our birthday or graduation or something, remember? crazy.

we did our nails together. i mean, she did my nails and then she did hers, when i tried made an enormous mess of it (on purpose?) and anyway the touch was obviously a crucial part of the whole thing

(remember how we cried watching initiative a few months ago? the makeup scene jkhaschkjash wq hw hdfhjkwqfqe klqwf that was too real)

and now i still want to buy hard candy and urban decay polishes but they dont make them anymore, i buy urban decay eye pencils and its a little secret link to the past

ok that was just ... it was ME, ZOE talking to someone. someone who knows me, or at least used to know me. and torque is playing and ive been in my room playing soulseek all day and its like time is swallowing itself. im tired. im gonna let the other girl do stuff for a while.

im sorry thats so mean. im not

well maybe i am a bitch but theres no need to be one right now. grace, im tired and i know you wanna go to the bar and listen to music and hang out with your friends, and also we're hungry, so you be in charge now ok? and maybe ill find some reason to stick my head out while were at parkside. at least long enough to have a cigarette ^_*

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